1.13

10-10-14_6-31 PM-2

The week after Malcolm’s announcement went by very slowly. Milan assured me that I had done the right thing, and Alisha – even though I had told her far from the whole story – comforted me, convinced that I was jealous that he had a new woman. Nothing I told her convinced her otherwise.

On Lilliana’s birthday, only Milan could make it. Alisha had tried to take the day off but her boss hadn’t approved her request, so we had decided to hold another small get-together at the weekend, when she had some time off.

I spent all morning making the most perfect cake I could create with what little cooking knowledge I had, and was very surprised with the result. Proud, I looked down at the cake, thinking that all those years of having cooked for myself must have made me into a more capable cook than I was giving myself credit for.

When it was time, Milan and I went upstairs to Lilliana’s bassinet, who looked more than ready to grow up into a child. I couldn’t help but sniffle a little. Just where had those first few years with her gone? How was my baby growing up already?

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Milan and I sang happy birthday, and watched as my baby was slowly engulfed in sparkles and in a bright light, and both of us gasped when a beautiful young lady stood before us. Her eye colour really had changed after all. She was the perfect mixture of me and Malcolm.

With Milan’s and Alisha’s help we redecorated her bedroom. Alisha, who still felt bad that she hadn’t been able to attend her birthday, bought her a huge doll house, which I insisted was too much but which she insisted was just right. In the end, I gave in. Alisha was her godmother after all.

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And I couldn’t argue with the fact that Lilliana loved to play with it. She didn’t love me watching her play, though, so I often left her to herself while I went into my office to write my book. Now that my baby was old enough to look after herself to some extent, I had begun to write my most important book to date. It was the story of me, in another universe, where I had died only to be brought back in this one for some grand purpose. The book was officially going to be a work of complete fiction, all names and resemblances made up and coincidental, but I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders every time I wrote on it, and I seemed to remember a little more each time, too.

10-10-14_6-56 PM

Lilliana and I were close. Despite my having to work a lot, and her starting school, we made sure to spend a lot of time together whenever possible. I helped her with her homework, and best of all, she loved being read to and adored the early children’s books I had written.

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10-10-14_6-58 PM-2

10-10-14_6-58 PM-3

She had grown into a beautiful young girl, and I found myself dreading her teenage years already. It wasn’t going to be long before the boys started queuing outside our house, and I was in no rush to get to that point.

10-10-14_7-13 PM

My daughter developed a lot of hobbies very quickly. She loved PE, and when she asked me to buy her monkey bars I was happy to oblige. It was good to be active at any age, so how could I say no? If my daughter fancied a healthy lifestyle than I could hardly forbid her that! She spent a lot of time on that thing, so I wasn’t exactly wasting money, either.

10-10-14_7-15 PM

I wasn’t too happy with her interest in boys. She spent more time than I liked chatting to them on the computer, and when I restricted her computer rights to one hour a day (I did need it myself after all) she’d just talk to them on our phone instead. I knew they were all boys from her class, some of them I had met, but I was worried that my baby was growing up too quickly.

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10-10-14_7-18 PM-2

And yet, most evenings, we’d watch TV together. I didn’t mind that they were all kid’s programs, I loved spending time with her and knowing that my little girl was still interested in her mummy, despite all her other interests. Us watching cartoons together reminded me that she was definitely too young for boys, and that she had no interest in them in that way. It also threw me back to when I had been her age, when me and my sister had watched some of the same cartoons, and I marvelled at how some of them were still around after all this time. Even if they were all repeats.

10-10-14_7-11 PM-3

My boss had agreed to change my working hours to match Lilliana’s school schedule. I wasn’t advancing quite as quickly any more, but I wasn’t far off my final promotion and knew that very soon Lilliana would take over the reigns from me.

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Note: Morrigan is lvl9 in her writing skill now, and only needs to get to lvl 10 to advance to the final lvl of her lifetime achievement goals. In her career she’s lvl8 but will get promoted next time she goes to work. So far her career (author branch) hasn’t been too tough in terms of promotions. She usually just needs a good mood and to have earned a certain amount of money from books, which is very easy to reach due to the amount being low (it says 0 at first but once it’s ticked it’ll say something around 2500 and she earns over 3000 (or 5000?) a day now, so it’s easy enough) It’s very nearly time to move on to Lilliana!!!

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1.12

10-10-14_6-07 PM-2

10-10-14_6-09 PM

Lilliana was my everything. From the moment she had been born, she had been my world. I hated the moments when I had to leave her and continue my work, whether it was in my office at home or in my office in town, but I knew that, as much as I wanted to, it wouldn’t be good for her if I spent too much time with her.

Leaving the house to go to work was the hardest. I knew that the daycare was a good place for her, that she was save there, but I preferred it when Milan or Alisha could look after her instead.

Which they didn’t mind doing at all.

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While Alisha had her own job to get to, Milan didn’t mind dropping his research to come over at any given moment, just to spend time with my daughter. The way he cooed over her you could have thought that he was her father, and I was grateful that my baby would have a father figure around her as she was growing up, even if it wasn’t her actual, biological father. Because I still didn’t know what to do about that.

10-10-14_6-14 PM

During my pregnancy I had thought that once my child was born I’d be able to work on my books again at the speed I was used to, but the truth was that it was even harder in a way. My body wasn’t aching all over, and Lilliana wasn’t a needy baby, but when she wasn’t crying or wanting attention I was worried that something was wrong and would go to check up on her. On top of that, I was trying to figure out what the best thing was to do about Malcolm. He hadn’t called me any more after I had told him that I was stressed with work, but I was actually missing those calls now. I wanted him to be around her, or at the very least I wanted to tell him that he had a daughter, but the constant nagging feeling in my stomach that telling him might somehow make the universe implode was stopping me from calling him.

Until one day, I couldn’t stand it any more. I rang his mobile, hoping that I’d still be brave enough to tell him about her once he was standing on my doorstep. It would be her big birthday in a week, and I wanted to offer him the chance of being there as she became a child.

10-10-14_6-24 PM

Just, things didn’t quite go as I had anticipated.

“Hey, Morrigan.” He knows. I swallowed, hoping that that wasn’t it. No, it couldn’t have been. If he had known that he had a daughter he would have been over sooner, or he would have called me to ask if it was true. He wouldn’t have waited until I called him. He was a good guy and I couldn’t for the life of me imagine him missing out on her life if he knew that she existed.

10-10-14_6-27 PM-2

“Hi Malcolm. Thanks for coming by, there’s something I need to tell you.” With my heart racing in my chest, I prayed that the words would still come out right once I had started speaking them.

“I wanted to tell you something, too.” He seemed visibly nervous.

“You go first” I insisted, hoping that maybe him going first would make this easier somehow.

10-10-14_6-26 PM

“I’m engaged!”

Shell-shocked, I just stared him, trying to fake a smile.

10-10-14_6-25 PM-2

“Engaged? You’re getting married?” I felt my stomach do very uncomfortable flips. This was exactly what Milan had talked about, wasn’t it? That I couldn’t ever, under any circumstances, interfere in his life any more than I had done already? What if he was getting married to someone who would give him a child who would then grow up to lead the world? I couldn’t possibly-

“I know, it’s amazing, right? I met her a month or so after you told me that you were stressed with work and deadlines.” His face studied mine, searching for a reaction but the only one he got wasn’t what he had been looking for. The smile had quickly disappeared from my lips after he had made his announcement. “I’m sorry. I was hoping… I hadn’t heard from you in so long I thought… We were over, right?”

“What? Yes! Yes, it’s fine. I just-” We had never even been together, so technically we couldn’t be over now, either.

I couldn’t tell him about Lilliana now. If I did it could ruin his relationship with his fiancee.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry, it’s just a big announcement, you know?” Quickly, to re-enforce my words, I pulled him into a hug.

10-10-14_6-27 PM

“I’m happy for you. I really am. When’s the wedding?”

“Next summer in Monte Vista. That’s where we’re moving in two months. She grew up there and always wanted to return, so who am I to refuse her, right?” He grinned, looking like a love-sick puppy.

Monte Vista… If I told him about our daughter he wasn’t going to go. I couldn’t do that to him. He looked so happy, and the potential consequences….

I just couldn’t do it.

So I didn’t.

1.11

09-28-14_8-09 PM

I was pregnant. I was having a baby.

It almost seemed too much for me to take in, my head felt like it was swimming most of the time. I was having a baby! Me! A baby!

I hadn’t said anything to Malcolm. I knew I should, but I was too afraid that I would ruin something if I did. To be on the safe side, I stopped calling him and stopped answering his calls. I didn’t listen to his voice mails and deleted his texts as soon as I got them. He came over a few times but I always pretended not to be home. Eventually, to stop him from worrying and jumping to conclusions (the last thing I wanted was for him to figure out that I was pregnant by himself) I gave him a quick call, explaining that work was just really busy and that my agent had set some tight deadlines for my next book, so I didn’t have much time to breath. He told me he understood, and would give me all the time I needed to stay on top of everything.

After that, his calls and unannounced visits stopped.

I felt that it was time for a new look, and went shopping (online, in case I’d run into Malcolm) for some new, more mature looking clothes. I was going to be a mommy soon and I wanted to look the part! Besides, since my birthday I just hadn’t felt like myself any more in my old clothes, so buying some new things helped me feel rejuvenated.

09-28-14_8-38 PM - Copy

Once I had started showing (and they start showing quickly! they look about ready to pop once they’ve entered the first trimester!) I called Milan over to give him the good news. I had been dying to tell him before but now that my belly made it obvious it seemed like the perfect moment to break the news to him.

Milan was ecstatic, and I felt a huge grin on my face as well. I still couldn’t quite believe it yet, but I was excited for this little one and had secretly started reading naming books. There was one in my head already, but I wanted to see what else there was first, before making a definite decision.

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Just like me, Milan was over the moon. The way he fussed over me and my swollen belly you could have thought that he was the father! He was so proud of the little one already, and I considered involving him in naming the baby. Maybe I could even involve him a little in raising the child? Not all the time, of course, but I had a feeling that he’d adore this little munchkin a lot, and wouldn’t be opposed to the idea.

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Alisha was just as happy for me, and a little fascinated by all the changes to my body. Even though I was only three months into my pregnancy she was feeling my stomach every chance she got. She really wanted to feel those tiny feet kick!

It was around then that I realised that, even though my baby would have to grow up without a father, he or she would still have a little family gathered around either way. Milan and Alisha were going to be here a lot, and were already volunteering for babysitting duty. I wanted to make sure that my child wouldn’t have to miss a thing – within reason of course – , and seeing their support led me to believe that it was possible.

09-28-14_8-36 PM-2 - Copy

Since my house was too small for me and a child I contacted some contractors and the local building company to have the house extended. We drew up a floor plan quickly, and before I knew it work on the house had started. We weren’t doing anything to the ground floor, but we added a second floor with a small corridor and a nursery, which Alisha and I loved to decorate.

09-28-14_8-42 PM - Copy

We both went out together several times (in a neighbouring village) to buy everything I would need for a successful home birth. We found the perfect bassinet, and decided on yellow as the primary colour. I wanted the gender of my baby to be a surprise, so we wanted to go with something neutral which wasn’t gender specific. Milan surprised me with four adorable pictures which we hung up immediately, and Alisha added the sweetest toy llama to the room.

Before I knew it, everything was ready and set up.

09-28-14_8-54 PM - Copy

The renovations had taken a considerable amount out of my savings, but thanks to my financial safety net which I had been building over the years I was left with enough money to pay the bills. My boss insisted I take time off as I entered the last trimester, but I assured her I was fine to sit at a desk writing articles and working on my novel. She wasn’t convinced, but when I reminded her that I’d be doing the same thing at home anyway she gave in, promising me that she’d drag me home herself together with the security guards at the first sign of complications.

09-28-14_8-54 PM-2 - Copy

The only complication I had, however,  was immense pain. My back wasn’t happy, and try as I might it was very uncomfortable to sit still for longer periods of time. Even short amounts were becoming more and more painful, and despite my promises to my boss I ended up moving around a lot, stretching a little as much as possible.

Over all, everything was going well. I went to the hospital for regular check ups and they assured me that my baby was doing fine, and that I had nothing to worry about. Besides the every-growing aches in my body I was coping well, and was looking forward to the day when I could finally hold my baby in my arms.

09-28-14_8-51 PM - Copy

I was hungry all the time. I wasn’t sure if I was really only eating for two or if there were more in there, but I was constantly standing in front of my oven cooking something. I wanted eggs a lot, and didn’t think I’d ever go off BLT sandwiches. I’d write on my novel until the pain got too much, then move into the kitchen and cook something. Even if it was only a small snack, the movement helped settle the pain a little – as long as I wasn’t standing up for too long. My feet were swollen messes, and it seemed my back was unhappy either way.

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When I could, I ate sitting down, but sometimes I had to take it with me while I wandered around the house, eating as I went.

09-28-14_9-01 PM

Two months before my due date and I barely got any writing done at all. It just hurt too much to sit at the computer for long enough for it to be worthwhile, and I soon had to accept that my novel wasn’t going to make much progress until after this baby was born.

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Besides food I craved milk a lot. I couldn’t explain it, like any pregnancy craving, but my doctor assured me that milk was good and healthy and therefore I was allowed to indulge in my cravings as often as I wanted.

09-28-14_9-01 PM-2

One month before my due date and I cleaned the house like there was no tomorrow. I was sure that things hadn’t been this clean when I had first bought them, but the stretching involved in bending down and scrubbing the toilet was pure bliss for my aching body. Cleaning everything became my favourite way to pass the time – until stretching became too painful and I had to sit down for as long as my back allowed it. Milan and Alisha came over often, offering me all the support they could think off, but there was only so much they could do. I didn’t want to take painkillers in case it might hurt my baby somehow, and their massages didn’t help as much as they wanted to think.

09-28-14_9-03 PM-2

I was definitely ready to have this baby. I didn’t sleep well most nights because the pain kept me awake, and I was very eager for this baby to be born a little early. As long as it was healthy I was fine with it.

But my baby wasn’t coming early. My baby was coming nearly half a month late.

09-28-14_9-09 PM-2

When the contractions kicked in I was sitting at my desk, trying to write at least a few words. The pain put everything I had felt up to this point to shame. I called Alisha, but she was at work and couldn’t answer her phone so I left her a voicemail. I called Milan, but his phone was switched off.

I was going to be alone in this home birth. As quickly as a pregnant woman with heavy contractions could I went upstairs, into the nursery. My midwife had prepared me beautifully for this, and had told me everything that I needed to know. I considered calling her so that I wouldn’t have to be alone after all, but I could tell by how close together my contractions were that she wouldn’t have made it in time. This baby wanted out now.

09-28-14_9-09 PM-5

I positioned myself as we had practiced, more than ready for the sparkles and the tingling feeling that came with sim birth to kick in. As I waited doubt filled me again. What if I wasn’t ready after all? What if I wasn’t going to be a good mum? What if my baby wasn’t going to grow up well because he or she had no father? A pain-contorted smile spread on my face as I tried to breath properly. Screw the dad, that bastard was the reason I was going through this now! It was his fault I was in this much pain, his fault I was-

I screamed from the top of my lungs, and then, finally, the sparkles began to engulf me.

09-28-14_9-11 PM

Trying to catch my breath, I looked down into my daughter’s eyes. In that moment I really hoped that Malcolm wasn’t going to come over uninvited any time soon, because I was never going to lie my way out of this one! The resemblance was striking! She had his skin colour, and it looked like she had his brown eyes, too. I knew that it was possible that things like that could still change, but it didn’t really matter.

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She was perfect. And she was all mine.

“Welcome home, Lilliana.” I whispered, rocking her gently in my arms until her crying had reduced to a soft whimpering.

Bonus Shots:

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The renovated house from the back!

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And little Lilliana :3

Note: I decided to let the game roll a name for each child at random. Whatever it suggests at first, I’ll go with it! (unless I get a name twice)  I’m hoping it’ll add some variety to my game since I have my firm favourites and tend to use the same names a lot. I just hope the names are better than they were in the sims 3. I was very surprised when the first name the game rolled was Lilliana, since Morrigan’s sister was called Leliana. Coincidence? I think – yeah, probably, but I thought it was a nice sentiment to think that Morrigan named her daughter after her sister while also giving her some individuality by changing the name slightly ^^ 

1.10

09-28-14_7-57 PM

Nearly a whole month had passed already since my birthday. An entire month in which I hadn’t been able to decide what to do. If what Milan had told me was true, and I had no reason to believe that it wasn’t, then it was vital that I had a child. A child, but no relationship. How could I use someone like that? Would he be allowed to see his child grow up? Come to his or her birthdays? Surely that wouldn’t interfere too much with whatever life he might have led without me? I didn’t know for sure that Malcolm had fallen in love with me, but if he did I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. I couldn’t stop him from being in love with me, apart from behaving terribly towards him, but it was probably too late for something like this to change his feelings and besides, I liked him. He was a good guy. I didn’t want to mistreat him.

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The thought of using a stranger as the father, or possibly go to a sperm bank, had occurred to me, but I liked knowing who the father was. About Malcolm I knew that he was a good man, who tried to do good and who wouldn’t treat someone badly for his own gain. Those were good qualities to have. Qualities which I hoped my own child might develop.

On top of that, no matter how much I hated the idea of using him for this, I was a grown-up now. Milan had placed a heavy burden on me. Without asking, yes, but it was my burden now nonetheless. If what he said was true… No, it was true. I knew it was. How could I consider not having a child if my family was going to be so important in the future? This whole dilemma was just like one of my own plots, just this time it wasn’t a plot. It was me who had to make a decision. I was an adult now. It was time to make an adult decision.

09-28-14_7-59 PM

There was one thing that made my decision a little easier. I was ready to have a baby. I didn’t know for sure whether this was only because of what Milan had said to me, or because I was ready anyway, but the idea of having a baby was a predominant one. It made it hard to focus when I imagined holding a little child in my arms nine months from now. A little baby to raise and protect. Someone to pass my legacy onto. Would he or she love books and writing like me? Would he or she be clumsy like me? Maybe he or she would be my complete opposite?

What if they looked like Mum or Dad? Or my sister? There was a chance, after all!

09-28-14_8-00 PM

One day when the thoughts become particularly loud and working on my latest book had become impossible, I decided it was time. I was ready, and the universe needed this baby!

09-28-14_8-01 PM

 

“Hi Malcolm. … Yeah, I’m fine! How are you? … Great! Would you mind coming over for a bit?” I tried to make it sound alluring, so that he’d rush over. I wasn’t sure I’d still feel as sure about doing this if too much time passed.

Fortunately, Malcolm had heard the tone in my voice, or maybe he just wanted to see me that that badly, and arrived on my doorstep in no time. He said he had been nearby anyway when I had called him so it hadn’t taken him as long as usually.

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I figured, why waste time? His kiss told me that he saw no point, either. But then he didn’t know what I was planning. For a moment, I wasn’t quite so convinced any more that this was the right thing to do. Of course it wasn’t, but at the same time it was. Why did the universe have to be so contradictory? What if he found out and wanted to be involved? Milan’s words echoed in my mind, warning me that I couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t move in or abandon whatever else he might have wanted to do.

Sensing my hesitation, Malcolm pulled away to look at me.

09-28-14_8-03 PM

 

“You all right?”

“I… Yes. I’m fine. Would you like to come in?” I did my best to faint a sultry tone, and luckily for me, Malcolm fell for it. He wasn’t stupid, but he did have his oblivious moments.

It didn’t take long to get him into my bed. We weren’t in a relationship, most of the time Malcolm had come over it had been almost solely for sex. I knew that he would have anticipated this when I called him. Somehow I managed to talk him into doing it without condoms for once, telling him that it was fine, that I wanted to feel just him, and that it’d be fine since I was on the pill. Which I was, usually. I had stopped taking it almost a week ago.

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We cuddled for a little while afterwards. Once Milan had fallen asleep I waited another ten minutes to be sure that he was definitely out, and went into my bathroom where I took a pregnancy test. (they sure do work quickly in this game!! I love this addition, being able to tell right away if your sim is definitely pregnant by peeing on a stick is an awesome little detail and adds a little more realism to the game (besides how soon afterwards you can take it))

I took a second one, and then a third one just to be sure.

The results were clear. I was pregnant.

1.9

Note: This update will be rather short – it doesn’t really add much to the story but it’s her birthday and funny, and I thought that after the last few chapters we could all do with something funny and light hearted! No worries, this time no one dies during her party 😛 

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09-28-14_7-34 PM

Before I knew what was happening it was my birthday. I couldn’t believe the time here had passed this quickly, but it was amazing to think how long I had already been here. How much I had achieved.

Having made up with Milan recently only made this day all the more special. I hadn’t wanted a big party and had only invited the few people dearest to me – Milan, Alisha (I have a really hard time remembering her name! I keep thinking it’s Ashley!) and yes, I invited Malcolm as well. I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I knew I had to have a baby some when, and I liked him, he was a good guy, but it wasn’t right to use him like that!

“Come on, make a wish!” Alisha said from behind me and I quickly got rid of the negative thoughts. This was my birthday, after all! My worries could wait.

09-28-14_7-39 PM

Growing up felt weird, and took me by surprise even though I had set up this small party and had blown out my candles. Was I an adult now? All ready? It seemed that all I had done until now was work!

09-28-14_7-35 PM

I had hired a bartender and also a cook. The cook wasn’t happy with all the people in the kitchen (which they didn’t leave. ever. not once. throughout the whole party.) and, annoyed at us, dumped the board of ingredients onto the bar which I had purchased just for this party.

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All of us were having a good time chatting in my kitchen, much to the distress of the cook who “just couldn’t work like this!” And she had enough room, too…

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It was a wonderful evening. I felt truly blessed that I got to spend it with my friends, in my own home, and was grateful that I had made at least some time between work and writing my books to go out and meet people. If I hadn’t I would have had to spend my big birthday by myself.

Now I just had to see what the next big stage in my life would bring, but I was determined to make it a good one.

Some extra pics

09-28-14_7-42 PM

Morrigan really loved that cake!

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See? The face of pure delight! She may also have been a little drunk. She was the only one who left the kitchen throughout the whole party and had a few drinks.

09-28-14_7-42 PM-3

Milan wasn’t sure what to make of Morrigan’s choice in men. He didn’t look too impressed, anyway. Bless Malcolm, he didn’t even realise! I guess he’s a little oblivious?

09-28-14_7-42 PM-4

I don’t think Alisha had any cake.. Which means that she may have been the only one to eat the hired cook’s dinner (she did get around to cooking eventually) oO Poor woman, between that and not having enough space I don’t think she’ll take another job with Morrigan in the near future.

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A quick update on her progress: She’s lvl3 out of 4 for her aspiration. To reach the last level she needs to sell one more bestseller (she’s already sold two and had to sell three in total), reach lvl 10 of the writing skill (she’s currently lvl8) and have earned 25,000 in royalties, which she’s already completed so she’s close! In her career I believe she’s lvl7? The promotions so far have been quite easy to reach and have complimented her aspiration really well – a lot of the goals are either the same or similar. I forgot what she had to do to get the next promotion but I’m pretty sure she’s done it, so she should be promoted again the next time I’m in my game.

1.8

09-28-14_6-54 PM-2

“I’m sorry how I reacted before. I’ve got a lot of questions, Milan.”

I had called Milan the same day, and he had rushed over. When he had come into my house I could tell by his facial expression that he wasn’t sure how sincere I was, but he was here, and he was ready to give me the answers I needed. That he was here at all after the things I had said to him made me happy.  Maybe we could still be friends after all.

09-28-14_6-51 PM

“Of course you do. Any sane human would. And I don’t blame you for how you reacted either, though I won’t say I wasn’t hurt. You have every right to be mad about what I’ve done.”

“Can you start by telling me why it was me you chose to bring back? There must have been other options who are more likely to do what you think I will do.”

09-28-14_6-50 PM-2

(I tried to get them to sit on her sofa in the living room instead several times, but they insisted on sitting on opposite sites in her office)

“It’s not as simple as me choosing you, Morrigan. Your child, their child and so on were the most important factor in my decision. What you do is important, or it will be, but what your family does in the future is even more relevant to the future I have seen. In resurrecting you – and breaking several laws in doing so, I might add; big laws – I am resurrecting your future family, as well.”

“I think I understand..” I wasn’t daft. I had always been smarter than my sister had been, and being an author meant that I had to do a lot of research to ensure validity in my books, but this whole space-time-continuum thing was something completely different.

“Let me put it this way. Imagine a terrible dictator, or a cruel conqueror, is being assassinated by someone who, in the same turn, frees a lot of innocents from the rule of this one horrible person. If, say, his parents were to die before he was born or conceived even than he would no longer be able to stop this conqueror, and his terrible reign would continue unhindered for an indefinite amount of time. In bringing back the parents they would be able to give birth to this assassin, who would then grow up to free thousands of people. Does that make sense?”

09-28-14_6-55 PM

“I think so, though you did make it more confusing, too.” Milan smiled. “So you’re saying that the parents themselves aren’t that important. It’s their child who goes on to change the world.”

Looking pleased, Milan nodded.

09-28-14_6-54 PM

“That’s right. I am not saying that you’re not important, however. You have your own part to play in this, just as the parents of this future assassin are playing theirs. Without them, the evil conqueror would be just as free to continue murdering, as without them the assassin doesn’t exist. Their existence enables another fate to do what must be done, even if they themselves might not have done much besides conceive this child.”

09-28-14_6-53 PM-3

“You said I could only have one child…” I never pictured myself with a huge family. Now that I knew that I was only allowed one, and no steady partner, I suddenly wished for everything I had never thought I’d wanted before.

“I’m sorry, Morrigan. As I said before, you weren’t meant to be alive. I have altered things enough as it is, and I can’t even be certain that the little that I’ve done all ready hasn’t changed something somewhere in a terrible way. It’s not just your existence that wasn’t supposed to be. It’s the existence of your child as well. And that of their child. Because I have brought you back, there will be a lot of people in the universe who were never meant to occupy it. As long as you don’t stop someone from living the life they would have lived if you hadn’t entered it – meaning as long as people still get together with the people they would have chosen if they had never met you – then everything should be fine. I hate to burden you and your family with this fate, Morrigan. I truly do. I wish it were different, but it mustn’t be.”

I nodded, blinking tears away. “I understand. Someone I might fall in love with might have gone on to have a family with someone, maybe even have a child who grows up to be the first leader of the united world. My meddling could…” Suddenly I felt very sick. What if someone fell in love with me anyway? What was I supposed to do if someone left their family because of me? Because of my child?

Had I already messed things up by liking Malcolm? I wasn’t sure how he felt about me, but he was a good guy. I couldn’t imagine him cheating on his wife just to be with me. I also couldn’t imagine him staying away if he knew that he had a child. What if I got pregnant? Would I just not tell him?

“I’m sorry, Morrigan. I really am. But it has to be your family. Your sister wouldn’t have given birth to the same future you will.”

I nodded, understanding completely.

“I remember, Milan. I remember everything.” Words weren’t needed for me to feel his empathy. He really did feel bad for what he had done. “So, this future you’ve seen. It’s really that beautiful?”

09-28-14_6-55 PM-2

“It is. I wish you could be around to see it. Know that your sacrifice is what allows this future to come to pass.”

09-28-14_6-52 PM

“I’m sure it’ll be as easy as that” I said, wondering just on how many points everything could potentially go wrong.

“Ha, isn’t it always?”

“So what did you have to do to make this happen? I imagine bringing someone back from the dead doesn’t come cheap.” I immediately regretted my words when I saw the reaction Milan’s face.

“It didn’t. I paid a heavy price, too. The spirits of the realm I had to travel to aren’t like you and me, Morrigan. Time passes very differently there, they can’t leave their realm like some of us can leave ours. And for us it isn’t simple, either. The spirit I made the deal with… He inhabits my body. Through me he sees our world as we see it. It’s a common fantasy amongst them which hardly every gets granted. You could say I am doing him a rare favour.”

“I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wasn’t happy with the decisions that had been made on my behalf, but at least my body was still my own.

“I can constantly feel him. He’s always there, in the back of my mind. Sometimes he comments on what he sees, sometimes he laughs. His voice, it- it’s like nothing you’ve ever heard before, Morrigan. You can’t imagine it. It used to chill me to the bone, but now… I think I’m getting used to it. In a way it’s a privilege. Most humans never even get to see one of them.” I could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn’t see it that way.

Without another thought I got up, and signalled Milan to do the same.

09-28-14_6-55 PM-3

This hadn’t been an easy decision for him. I knew that now. I still didn’t know how to feel about this, but I knew beyond a doubt that I believed him. One day in the far future, my family would save the world. Or improve it significantly. Or do whatever else it was that Milan believed they would do. I couldn’t have a partner and only one child, as could all children born of me, and he was host to a spirit from another realm.

This hadn’t been by my decision, but we had both paid for this, and I felt like I owed him my best effort.

1.7

09-11-14_6-47 PM

Try as I might, I couldn’t forget Milan’s words. Everything he had said to me hit me hard, and no matter what I did I couldn’t forget any of it. I wanted to be angry with him – and at first I had been, I had been furious – but once I had been alone again I had just felt empty and hurt.

09-11-14_6-48 PM

Could what he had said really be true? Was I really meant to be… dead?

If I was, was it right for me to be in this world? Or was my presence somehow, somewhere making something else worse?

I couldn’t focus on work, and even sleep was difficult during the fist few nights afterwards. I wanted to forget about it, I really did, but how did you just forget something like that?

09-28-14_6-44 PM

I tried to take my mind of things with all manners of distractions, but nothing worked. Once I had had a few good nights of sleep behind me, another worrying thought had crept up into my head and manifested.

The idea that I had been struggling with… That one spark of inspiration that I hadn’t been able to ignite before…

09-28-14_6-45 PM

It was there, now. Once I had gotten over the initial shock of what Milan had told me, once I had spent some time thinking things through, images had entered my mind. Memories.

My memories.

Just, they weren’t my memories, because I was here now, I was alive, and I definitely wasn’t a mermaid like my sister and my father were!

And yet, there they were, clear as any other memory I’ve ever had.

So how could this be, if what Milan had said had been a lie? The more days passed the calmer I felt, and it was easier again to think rationally. Why would he have made up a lie is horrible as this? Milan was one of the first people I had met after I had moved here, I knew him. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would lie about something like this as a prank. Or play any prank! In fact, Milan was the most serious, most focused person I knew! He had no reason to make up something like this.

09-28-14_6-45 PM-2

A terrible, sinking feeling set in my stomach as the realisation slowly festered inside me.

Milan was right. I was supposed to be dead. The day my sister had died an hour before school would have finished – not two hours before she would have been able to jump into the sea – I had died, too. Our only shower had been broken that morning, and we had felt fine so Mum had sent us to school as usual. It hadn’t occurred to us until it had been too late that we hadn’t been fine. We had both died of dehydration that day. Not just my sister, but both of us. I had died.

The vivid memory of it sent terrible shivers through me. Partly because it was a horrible thing to relive, partly because I now knew that Milan had been right.

09-28-14_6-46 PM

But why me? A hundred and five questions were swirling around in my head. Why did he revive me and not my sister? Was I some kind of zombie? If me entering a relationship with someone could affect the universe in unspeakable ways, than shouldn’t my mere presence be doing the same thing? There was a sim alive today who shouldn’t have been, and that sim was me. I couldn’t possibly matter that much that the universe would overlook my existence. In fact, if I really did matter that much, shouldn’t the universe be all the more concerned?

My head was hurting. I had been terribly unfair to Milan.

09-28-14_6-44 PM-3

There was only one right thing for me to do. I had to call my friend, and talk this through, rationally. He seemed to know a lot about this, and I needed answers.

Since he was the one who had made all those decisions on my behalf, he owed me no less.